It never got easier. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself, “maybe it won’t terrorize me anymore,” “maybe it won’t control me,” “maybe it won’t ruin me.” It did. The “it” I’m referencing is food. Yes, you read that right, food.
Food became a paralyzing force in my life. Though it’s supposed to fuel, nourish, and bring joy, for me, and sometimes still, it was the hardest thing to manage. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
As a rhythmic gymnast, every move, every line, and every costume felt like a judgment of my body. This all began when I was around 10 years old. I first noticed that I didn’t look like the other gymnasts on TV or even at my own gym. I thought I looked bigger. From that moment on, my relationship with food was forever changed.
I never looked at food the same way again. Was it fuel? Was it the enemy? These questions followed me into my teenage years. By the time I was 16, I still wrestled with them. Hanging out with friends or going to dinner wasn’t simple. I couldn’t just pick what was appetizing; I had to pick what was “healthy,” what would keep me “skinniest.” Salads and vegetables became the default, dessert was forbidden, and even a bite required convincing myself it was okay.
This struggle has taken consistent practice, effort, and mindfulness to navigate. Slowly, I’ve learned to tolerate and even appreciate my relationship with food, though it’s still a work in progress. I’ve realized that my self-worth cannot be measured in calories, in the mirror, or by the size of my body.
But that’s where my story originated and continues to grow. I never want anyone to suffer these feelings alone. That’s why I built this platform, a community for athletes to understand they are not alone, they never are.
If you’re struggling, know that it’s not your fault, and reaching out—to a teammate, coach, or trusted adult, can make all the difference. Your value extends far beyond your body, and sharing your story is a powerful step toward healing.
Body Beyond Beauty 